Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Further to the idea of professional incompetence

In counterpoint to notions raised in the previous post, a friend of mine recently asked me to read a document and write him a memo about a particular project's viability with the media. Unlike painting, I actually am an expert (at one point, world-renowned) when it comes to this sort of thing. He then took the memo, removed any trace of me, slapped his name on it and passed it along to the client. In exchange, I will receive a pint or two of beer at a later date.

That seems fair enough to me. It was pretty easy to do, and it was also amusing to step back into the saddle for a second. Tonewise, I tried to find the middleground between condescending and scathing. And best of all, I found an opportunity to use the word "granularize" in a sentence.

To wit:
There are insights to be gleaned from the "Aha! moment" regarding international vs. domestic and pcp vs. specialist prescription drivers which might warrant a press outreach, but they are currently either lost or impenetrable. They need to be granularized for media consumption.
This opportunity rarely comes to painters. Just reading it again makes me laugh.

I first encountered the word in an interview with the VP of Marketing for Ford Motor Company published in the Washington Post. That might not be exactly who he was, but I know he was a Ford guy. I remember thinking that he must be the biggest, most pompous fucking idiot in the world to just lay a word like that out there. Since then, I've seen it used about twenty times. Finally I got to. It made me feel dirty. Glad to be out of the biz.

One could suggest that "granularize" is the new "metrics." Remember when you first heard that word? It has something to do with measurement criteria.
Figby! We need to granularize our metrics. Get back to me this afternoon.
For the record, you can insert the word "clarify" wherever you see "granularize" and enjoy the benefits of clear, understandable speech--something everyone will admire.

If I was president of FoMoCo, if that's what they call it in some circles, I would take that boy out behind the woodshed and spank his hiney until the paddle broke. I would then tell him that we have enough problems with Toyota kicking our ass and that, maybe, a contributing factor is the inability of one of our most important executives to speak simple English.

For the record, I've owned both a Ford and a Toyota. The Toyota was better. So Detroit has bigger problems than this dickhead. But still...

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