You wouldn't believe how long my hair is

You wouldn't believe how long my hair is. I recently pulled a two-inch eye brow hair out. Telling my daughter was a mistake. She didn't talk to me for days.

I suppose my worry is that if I cut my hair back to normal (a one-and-a-half clipper cut, if you're counting), I'm going to be walking down the street one day, an unmarked van is going to pull up, tires screeching, and the next thing I'll know, I'll wake up days later as a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

And then I won't be able to shop in the "Hispanic Foods" aisle.

Where they keep--get this--not only lentils...but mayonnaise too.

To which I would further add, there are two ironies here. First, mayo is the whitest food in the world. You do the math. Second, I've discovered, in what can only otherwise be called a food wasteland, the finest commercial mayonnaise I've ever tasted. It's called Duke's and it's the house brand for Harris Teeter (which is a supermarket). It leaves Hellman's and Kraft, the brands I had previously considered interchangeably as the best, in the dust.