Saturday, January 05, 2013

Open Letter to Lance Armstrong

Dear Lance:

You miserable, arrogant piece of shit.  I read today that you are considering the option of confessing to doping in the hopes of then being allowed to return to sanctioned competitive sports like running and triathlon.  Honestly, have you no shame?  Must everything be about you?  Is there no role for modesty, humility or penance in a situation like this?  Is it just 'fuck the remorse, I wanna go running'?  Good God, man.  Look at yourself.  Your arrogance is breathtaking.

When recently asked by the New York Times about how you are doing, your lawyer responded: "He's doing O.K. for a guy that has had his livelihood and his life torn from him, but he's very strong."  Fuck both of you.

It should be noted that the Times, in a separate article, estimates your net worth at $125 million.  So to suggest that your livelihood has been torn from you is not causing me to shed tears.  And every cent of that $125 mil was earned as a function of lying, cheating and strident righteous indignation -- followed by lawsuits -- when anybody accused you of doping.  Which of course you were, at an unprecedented level in the history of sport.

Here's what I think should happen:  The Justice Department should try you for perjury (which you clearly engaged in during at least one of your numerous lawsuits -- it's just a matter of whether they want to pursue the case) and lock your raggedy ass up.  Eighteen months seems about right to me, but even six or nine months would do.  Then, and only then, should you make your admission to the American- and World Anti-Doping Associations.  In a perfect world they would grant you clemency and allow you to return to sanctioned racing after a period of, say, eight years.  After which you can get your ya-yas out by beating other 50-year old guys trying to run up a hill, if you need the thrill that badly.

Oh, and at some point in the process you should have your single remaining testicle removed and donated to the Smithsonian Institute.  Because balls like yours are an uncommon commodity.

In the meantime, shut the fuck up.

Otherwise, all the best,

Geoffrey Raymond

ps--I still get goose-bumps when I think about you giving Ulrich "The Look" and then pulling away to win the 2001 Alpe d'Huez stage.  I wonder what that says about me?

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