Tuesday, December 06, 2011

I'm not buying a Ford F-150 anytime soon

I've decided that one of my favorite people that I don't know personally is Chelsea Clinton.

Another is the young woman who is the spokesmodel for T-Mobile. You've seen her--she's everywhere. Long dark hair, reed thin (although the insides of her calves are perhaps a bit too overdeveloped), toothy grin and an engaging fragility that reminds one of former crack addicts. But in a lovely way.

Were it me, and I were God, I would move her entire mouth down about a quarter of an inch, thus reducing the space between her lower lip and her chin and increasing, correspondingly, the length of her flume.
Brief personal aside: Thinking like that last part, dear reader, is the curse of the portrait painter. Do not attempt thinking like this at home. It will just make you miserable.
And besides, that's a quibble. She's quite lovely in her own slightly unconventional manner.
Not unlike yourself.
Exactly, although I might trade lovely for handsome.
Who wouldn't?
I just googled her, by the way, and her name is Carly Foulkes. And now, Ms. Foulkes--who hasn't done anything wrong to anybody (other than perhaps being a bit too earnest)--is under attack by the advertising executives at Virgin Mobile. Several of their current commercials do nothing more than lampoon poor Ms. Foulkes and her admittedly odd wardrobe.

To which I say, leave her alone. You're gonna get a perfectly pleasant young woman fired if you keep this up. You don't have some other way of selling your shmageggy phone service?
That's a tough one.
What?
Spelling schmegeggy.
I see you use an e.
And a c. But don't take that to the bank--it's purely conjecture.
No way I'm buying a Virgin phone.
It's a British company, isn't it?
Yes, I suppose. Why?
Well, it reminds me of the British tabloid newspaper culture and their willingness to shatter peoples' lives as collateral for reporting news that isn't really news but which does sell newspapers.
Wow, that's harsh. I love the British.
Me too. I'm just saying.
If you're the Greek chorus then that must mean you're Greek, right?
Yes... Why?
Well, how would you feel if everybody was jumping down your throat just because you are Greek?
You think they're not? You should live in Europe for a while.
You live in Europe?
Of course. We're Greek. We live in Greece.
Really? What's your name?--I've never asked.
Spartacus.
No way.
Way.
Are you the guy that writes I Am Spartacus on all my paintings?
In a way I suppose I am.
Say something in Greek.
Είμαι ο Σπάρτακος
No WAY!
Way.
Anyway, all this brings us inexorably to the Ford Motor Company. And although I'll always be grateful for the way Ford and Carroll Shelby smote the mighty Red Cars into submission with their 427 Cobras and their GT-40s at Le Mans and such places, they've gone way too far with one of their recent ads. Which means that the next time I'm in the market for an American pick-up truck, I'm buying a Dodge. I would urge you to do the same.

Have you seen those ridiculous Ford commercials where supposedly real Ford owners pop through a door and are suddenly in a press conference? While generally stupid, the one that really scrapes me raw is some middle-American pious asshole sitting in front of the "press" suggesting that he could never buy a car from a company that received a government bail-out (read: Dodge and Chevy). This, to my mind, is the height of hypocrisy and the people at Ford should be ashamed of themselves.

Here's a question: Do you think any of the parts in your average Ford are manufactured by a subsidiary of General Electric--a company that received significant government assistance? I bet the answer is yes.

Or: Do you think that the Ford executives, if they decided to spin off a new company or some other complicated financial venture, would hesitate for a moment to consult with Goldman Sachs or JP Morgan--likewise recipients of a ton of government support during the Troubles? You do the math.

So I would say to Ford: Blow your misplaced jingoism out your ass, you hypocritical motherfuckers. You lost my vote. And I'm in the market for a car.

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